Thursday January 28th 1999


If there were an easier way, it wouldn't be worth taking.
The truth doesn't come cheap. Are you ready for things to get really messed up?

Two nights now, and still the question of "are we at that point?" is being answered by actions not words. I think that Mariska is staying away from the house as much as possible and I have a feeling that last night's trip to Lee's Palace was a very late return.

I have been thinking.

What happens if my suspicions are correct? Where do we go from here? What happens if I am wrong? Will this paranoia affect my judgement? Will it affect Mariska's thoughts and feelings? If so, then why is she so quiet about the whole thing? Should I deny my thoughts and feelings, my hopes and fears so as not to offend by my candor? I cannot silence the guns of battle any more than I can hide from the field of combat.

I'd rather not speculate right now. Maybe I should stop.

There is a conversation that needs to happen in the very near future. The outcome of that conversation could affect a great many things. We were supposed to be going to Skydome on Feb 8th, we were supposed to go back to the Bahamas sometime in March, we were supposed to do and be a lot of things.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Later, back at the ranch...

So it's official. Although there is no animosity and the atmosphere in the house is calm, even with only the two of us, it's weird. This is going to be very messed up, I can just tell. What if I meet someone, or she meets someone? It will be like sneaking around behind your parents back as a kid, not that I ever had the opportunity to kiss behind the bike sheds or anything. It is just going to be strange. I hope my hunch is wrong because even though our talk tonight was nice and civil, I think I would flip my lid if I found out she had been unfaithful.

She is out at the gym, Gerry is at work and I am alone once again with my thoughts. Question is, how do I get a satisfactory resolution to this situation. Living here under these circumstances is not a conclusion for me. I feel like I need closure of some sort. It's just not healthy to carry on as if nothing had ever gone on between us. I tried to emphasize my desire for her to strike out on her own and find some way of leaving. It came down to finances and the threshold seemed to settle at April. Too long for me was my first reaction and I think that time will (once again) prove me right.

She says Gerry likes living here and would stay even if she moves. That's a nice thought, since I like Gerry and wouldn't mind having him around to chat with once in a while. I wonder if he would get freaked out if I met someone and brought her home. He's a full grown man though, I am sure he would be able to handle it.

Can't shake this feeling though, as if there is more to the story than meets the eye. Mariska said she would be interested in pursuing other things, not that they would go anywhere but she would be interested.

Tingle, tingle.

Maybe I am paranoid. Mail me and let me know, OK? Especially if you are female. I didn't mean to offend anyone with my dissection of the separate rooms thing, but since it is now (apparently) a permanent move, you make the call.

Should she keep her stuff in my bathroom or in Gerry's? How separate are we? Should she be allowed to see me naked, I mean it's not as if I care, but would she be uncomfortable if I undressed while she was talking to me? That's what I mean by it being strange.

It's a new day at 74, and the dew will be wet on the lawn for a long time this day.


Is it nobler in the mind and heart to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?

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