June 1, 1999
Tuesday

White rabbits and puppy love bollocks

White Rabbits.

'Tis the 11th month. By the time we have exited this month I will have been at this journalling gig for an entire year. I have met and made friends with some of the most unique, talented and wonderful people you could imagine. It is as a direct result of this site that I have found new people, got rid of old ones and discovered some pretty startling revelations about myself. I think that this month I will take a look back at some of the highlights and lowlights of the past year and put them in that nifty little box over there -->

Maybe an explanation, a little follow up and a comment or two. In a way it is really just to help me get a grip on some of the past and to allow me an anchor from which to reference the past year.

So, as to today, the present, as it were. I know and you know who you are. You are the ones, much like myself who can take a perfectly ordinary situation and twist it into the most earth shattering, mind-blowing, heart wrenching, gut twisting agonizing affair imaginable.

I hate that I have seen so many movies where the fate of a young heart rests in the hands of a callous and cold-hearted bitch. I hate that I have an imagination that sits idling like a Top Fuel dragster and once it is put in gear has the force to rip the tires off the rims and push thousands of pounds of torque through the pistons with the power to melt cold steel and rip solid metal apart like it was paper.

It is a fact, Goddamnit, that I am a master of making mountains out of molehills, I can build venomous poison from the sweetest of nectar and I can make my own body physically react to my thought with revulsion as I torture my soul in the name of emotional sensitivity. I should just let it all go, I should cease to bother considering others or even myself in the pursuit of romance, companionship or whatever the hell it is that I am chasing down the tracks like some demented rabbit on Dexedrine.

It is pathetic, it is stupidity embodied in irrational fear and I can't stand the fact that I get so worked up about it all. Especially considering the fact that when it comes to face to face confrontation, I run away like a child at a slaughterhouse.

I wasted good opportunities today to speak to J. I now have the paranoid and ridiculous feeling that she knows I avoided her and has already written me off as a loss. A fact to which I have retaliated by rationalizing that I am too old, too different, too ME to go out with her anyway. It is as if I want to be satisfied with having a relationship in mind rather than in body, a relationship, therefore that could never be subjected to loss, anger, fear, hurt, anguish or the risk of losing the one thing you treasure. A relationship that would be perfect so that I don't have to face my fear of not living up to the high expectations that I have of myself. I just want it all to be perfect and I can't succeed, I am failing by virtue of not trying but by the same token I am succeeding by never starting...

What I really need to do is stop playing apples and oranges and pick one. If it is the wrong one, then guess what, you pick again. There are no prizes for guessing or intellectualizing relationships, the brass ring goes to the one who chooses, makes a go of it and has the guts to stick it out and make it work. It won't work by itself, it won't happen without a little input, a little risk and yes, a little rain will fall, but for Christ's sake that is the whole Goddamn point of it all.........

 

Blazing trails of words without meaning

masked by fears so deep

ingrained by faith and believing

that the perfect one will appear like the dreams as I sleep.

I hide in vocal shadows

lay low in the valley of fear

I call out in the name of bravery

yet run in the face of that which I need to hold near.

 

I frustrate myself so much it just kills me. I told Laurie that I thought she was bored and that was why her mind was racing so fast all the time. I guess I should heed my own warnings.

Shit.

 

(Addendum. Talking to Jess on ICQ {Happy Birthday to youuuuu...} I vented, I explained a little, and I vented some more. Thanks Jess for your kind words, your beautiful words and your understanding. So selfless on the one day you can truly call your own.

In the galaxy of bodies there are but a few gleaming stars that shine brightly enough to illuminate another's soul.

You, my dear, are one of those stars. Shine on, my pretty, shine on...)

 

It's but little good you'll do a-watering the last year's crop.

-George Eliot, Adam Bede

Do what you think is right, and I will never fault you for it.

-Me, thoughts while talking to Jess

 

 

Taken from July 1998

"There is something about having a drooling cat on your face that prevents you from comfortable sleep. Hmmm."

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