June 10, 1999
Thursday

No time for living.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): If you've been waiting for the right time to talk to someone, now's your chance. Your title for now is 'The Great Communicator', and you'll find that everyone is speaking your language. This is the type of day where you are likely to meet a new best friend or soul mate. Creative spirits interact best in a place of shared imagination, so be sure to put yourself in the right environments. There is simply no room for secrets or holding grudges right now. Venus is presiding over your existence right now, and this makes for a sublime period: indulge in writing love letters, listening to music, or planning a romantic occasion.

So it appears to be in the stars. This is an ongoing trend, finding these little romantic escapade things in my mailbox each morning. I am interested in astrology, although I wouldn't say I am guided by it. Funny though, that it should be on the right track recently.

(Thinking in the park today)

When I was young, I used to imagine having wished granted to me, as I am sure we all have, and one of my wishes was ultimately to have someone love me as deeply as I loved them. As I grew older, I hung on to this dream, examining it like a profound nugget of insight from my childhood. I have come to realize that there is no way it can ever be that way, but more importantly, that there is no way it should ever be that way. We should be careful of those things for which we wish. I understand now the importance of hard work and dedication to a relationship rather than blind luck or everlasting love. Sure, I believe in love, but I also believe that you can improve your love with work, just like you can improve your luck with hard work. What's the point? The point is that finally, after thinking too hard for too long, I pulled the trigger with a vengeance. # dates in 2 days, Sunday and Monday of next week. All first dates, all potentially painful and agonizing circumstances. All, however, also come with the promise of a silver lining.

Work has taken me from my routine and will not allow me to return until at least Monday. In fact, while all of you are sleeping on Saturday, I will be at the hospital at 5:30 to move the servers downstairs, then to the gym at 9. I have lots to say, but not the energy to express it. It is a greater need and requirement that I rest to get through the week in one piece. For interests sake, I am now below 250lbs, and haven't felt this "good" in years. Finally, it's so nice to have my efforts reap rewards. Not that my physique is the most important thing to me, but for my whole life, my self-esteem and general attitude has been tied fairly closely with my level of fitness. The better I am, the better I feel. I feel good.

Just as the gym is my way of keeping mentally fit, this, my journal and the journal of those about whom I care are of paramount importance in my emotional and mental health. I would be remiss if I didn't mention my gratitude to three people who have contributed a great deal to my mental and emotional well-being over the last few months, so to you, Butterfli, Jess and Laurie (for finally returning my mail) thank you, you guys mean the world to me.

 

"A well written Life is almost as rare as a well-spent one"

-Thomas Carlyle, Richter

 

 

Taken from August 1998. I still feel that this connection with a world unseen is the strangest way of discovering the local hero inside us all.

"Revealed only by the cathode glow I sit pondering and revealing my life for a sense of achievement, maybe, or proof of existence. The clicking of keys the Last Post of a day well spent."

 

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