There is a definite pressure that accompanies major events and for me, it is a source of great discomfort. I am happy to participate when absolutely forced, but I am reluctant to put any faith in things living up to their expectations. This New Year's Eve was one such occasion. I knew that I would be working so I was actually very relieved that I would be spared the desperate search for the socially acceptable event to which I would be forced to go. I sound really bitter and twisted about this and to a degree I guess I am, although even I am at a loss to explain why. It's like i have a grinch growing inside me and I am starting to harbour irrational resentment towards people having a good time when it involves my participation. I have a feeling it is my fathers famed antisocial streak coming out in me and it's scary that at this point I am actually unable to control or counteract it. I need to read more books. I need to feed myself with positive energy since I am pretty sure that most of this feeling comes from the negative energy I get at work. Not that I work in a negative atmosphere, but I do work in a department known for it's high strung attitude and skyrocketing burnout levels. There is a great deal of pressure being responsible for the network, and I suppose that in the last month with Y2K having placed such a huge emphasis on the responsibilities at hand, I am gradually realizing that my job as it stands carries with it a huge amount of responsibility but also a great deal of mental overhead. I am not one to be a victim of stress, but I have to admit for the first time in my life I can understand what people mean when they genuinely say they are stressed out enough to absolutely require a vacation.This kind of realization has brought with it a sag in my level of positivity, not because of failures or apathy, but rather like the level of a ship sinking to it's plimsole line when it fills with it's cargo.
As for resolutions, I have only a couple so far, and that is to read more once again, since I miss reading. The other is vague in relation to my neglect of my friendships and the complete lack of effort I seem to display in regards to my so called friends. These need work and in the coming month will be refined until I can come up with a handful of things with which to improve my life. Happy 2000 everybody, at least we are all still here!