June 2000.


June 8.

All I can really do is laugh I suppose. That was a pathetic attempt to recommit myself to my journal and I realized recently that the reason that I am not writing here apart form the obvious lack of time is the lack of tragedy and heartache. Glad as I am that I am no longer starring in my own Shakespearean tragedy, it doesn't do my most likely non-existent audience (yes, that's you) any good at all.

Last month was a touch on the wild side, not just with the skyrocketing hours at the hospital, but also with the arrival of a wonderful and beautiful woman into my life in a most unexpected way. Not that it was only unexpected that she came, but that the way things developed and the feelings held in check from so long ago came rushing back. It's a different ball game for me now, the whole idea of having an equal, both mentally and chronologically has up until now been completely foreign. The fact that all of a sudden it is here, real, the kind of thing that I have been waiting for is just a little scary. I am still examining the reasons that I have been absent, after all I can't blame it all on Miss G (which is what I have elected to call her for the time being, even though she says her real name is ok too...) but if I were to hazard a guess I would go for the overwhelming number of hours I have logged tying up the loose ends of the project. A product of that time is the fact that I have been tired to the extent of being mood and personality altering, a fact of which I am painfully aware and frighteningly paranoid knowing full well that I need to proceed with caution with Miss G. It's not that I am being distant or trying to hold back, but rather that I don't want to proceed under this kind of duress. Of course, the best laid plans never seem to reach fruition but I think I have adequately protected myself with my paranoia.

One of the most interesting things about meeting and becoming openly honest with someone from your past is that you get an accurate picture of what people thought of you "back then". This is taken with a grain of salt, and unless you have a strong stomach, I wouldn't suggest it. However, not being one to shy away from introspection I have begged her to tell me how it was, what I was like and even to what degree she was interested when we went out. Strangely enough, she came up with a concise assessment of the kind of personality I thought (or rather was afraid) that I had. We had met at a time in my life when I was weighed down with internal demons that at the time seemed inescapable and I am sure that the distant but very real feeling of failure or disappointment came through loud and clear. Fast forward a few years, a long climb out of the basement and a lot of hard work and I finally feel through and through that I am truly deserving of the kind of person I have found... Well, the kind of person who found me, chased me with her car and forced me off the road! And THANK YOU!!!

It's a long story, pieces of which will come and go and from my own perspective I just hope that as time goes along that I will eventually become the person I have always believed that I have the ability to be. The natural progression of that is that I will finally be able to give the woman of my dreams the kind of feelings, attention and commitment that she deserves. It all starts from inside, for years I have heard people claim that you have to love yourself first before you can truly love another and it has been a long time since I have believed that truth.

I am hoping to be here a lot more frequently this month. I am spending a lot of time with Miss G, movies, long long talks both inside and out (physically and metaphorically), walks in the park and the the kind of honesty and open communication that is a reward in itself. The coming month should find me with weekends back to myself, nights spent catching up on my sleep, a return to the notion of regular meals and workouts and more mushy, gushy stuff about the person who makes me feel like I can move mountains.